Road To Itachi!
by Xtase
Summary: Sasuke has journeyed for almost a decade to reach Itachi. But he sure as hell wasn't the first to get to him. "Does everyone want to get into my brother's pants?" Sasuke mutters irritably. Crack Oneshot! Eventual Uchihacest!


I hereby declare that I claim no rights to **NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. **and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.

Warnings are in place for slash (male on male coupling), incest and Itachi pimping.

-Xtase

_I was bored as hell, and my brain spewed out this nauseating cocktail of smut and bad humour. If you make it out of this without your brain liquefying, I commend your resilience. Anyway. Uchihacest banzai! _ \(^o^)/

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Part I

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Yūhi Kurenai tries to stifle the wanton whimper rising to her lips as he feels a vibrantly warm hand stroking the tender flesh of her inner thigh.

"You are sorely mistaken if you think that level of genjutsu will work against me," _he _whispers in her ear. She looks down at his handsome face; his smirking lips suckling at her left nipple.

"You're so sopping wet..." he croons. And then he's fucking her; thrusting his Uchiha pride deep inside until he pierces her womb. Her eyes roll and her toes curl in.

This situation is a multi-shot (ahem!) of kinkiness. Sex with a criminal; check. Inappropriate timing; check. Exhibitionism; check. Bondage; check. Cheating on the man you love; _in front _of the man you love; not caring that he's watching; check, check, check.

Oh, but this is the legendary pussy slayer Uchiha Itachi; Kurenai will probably never get this chance again. So she bucks her shapely hips back against his thrusts and moans like a porn queen while his shadow clones continue to unleash their aweaome badassery on the other Konoha shinobi.

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Hatake Kakashi finds himself trapped in the nightmare realm of the dreadful Uchiha Itachi's Tsukuyomi. The young criminal himself stands before him; unsnapping the clasps of his cloak with slow, deliberate movements.

And Kakashi suddenly realizes his clothes are gone; save his mask (for Itachi is a hopeless kink and simply cannot pass up the opportunity to indulge in his masked man fetish). He eyes the copy nin's denuded flesh with a lascivious smoulder in his bottomless-pit eyes.

"Hatake Kakashi," he whispers in a voice breathy with lust, "for the next seventy-two hours; I shall stab you repeatedly with my..._katanas_."

Kakashi feels hands glide down to part his firm, tight ass. And feels something thick and cock-like slide up his back door. He swoons and cries out from the nigh-unbearable pleasure. And doesn't stop for what seems like days.

"Let's jet, Kisame. Time to fuck shit up elsewhere," Itachi says, lighting a blunt.

"Itachi-san, I don't think smoking is very healthy,"

"If you don't shut up, I shall cornhole you with the rough end of Samehada. Then I will kill you," Itachi says pleasantly.

And the terrifying twosome swoop off over the water in their jet skis. Because they're in the fucking Akatsuki, dumbass.

.

Sasuke charges full speed ahead to the neighbouring town to find Naruto; before his bitchboy aniki finds him and personally widens up his ass.

Too bad for him that Naruto _wants _said bitchboy to stretch him.

"You're even sexier than Sasuke, ttebayo," the blond boy says as he eyes this tall, handsome stranger with obvious hunger.

"Naruto-kun, you're coming with me." he says neutrally.

"In which position?"

Itachi pauses.

"Maybe in a few years, I might consider it kid."

.

"Since you seem so eager to "slay" me, I guess I wouldn't mind claiming you now,"

Itachi begins to unzip his trousers and press closer to Sasuke against the wall. He's missed his baby brother so much...

"Kuchiyose: Gamaguchi Shibari!" Jiraiya shouts.

Fucking shit. Cock-blocked again.

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"I'm going to defeat my brother, Naruto!" Sasuke shouts as he goes second stage Curse Seal.

"Hell no! Not before he screws me first!" a Kyūbi-enduced Naruto screeches in reply.

"Why does everyone want to bone my aniki?"'

And the resounding commotion of their battle shakes the Valley Of The End.

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Part II

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Sasuke has been waiting nearly three years for this moment.

"Raaaaape! Where the fuck are you, lazy Kabuto? Save me goddamnit!"

"Calm the fuck down; I only want to kill you. What about this situation strikes you as rape?"

"You're attacking me, in bed, with your five metre long _rod_; that dear boy is a rape!"

"Whatever. Die!"

"Sasukeee!"

.

"Orochimaru is dead. It seems that Uchiha Sasuke has killed him,"

Pain's words echo through Itachi's numb brain as he repeatedly beats the wall up with his head.

"No," he rasps, "No. Why Sasuke? Why did you have to kill him? He gave such good oral sex!"

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"Oh yes, Itachi! My body is ready! Take me, please!"

"Like hell your left eye can see through genjutsu, slut." Sasuke scoffs as he fucks this blond idiot into oblivion. Don't fucking ask me why; This Is Sasukeee!

.

"From where I'm standing, it looks as if you're crying, Itachi-san,"

Itachi glances over at Kisame; an evil grin on his face.

"When I think if the loss of Deidara and his _incredible _hand-mouths, it's true that I feel like weeping. But when I think about all that Sasuke might have learned from his_ - encounter _with him, I feel...exhilerated,"

"But I thought Zetsu said Sasuke died as well,"

"Oh, he's alive," Itachi begins to chuckle sinisterly,"My boner tells me it is so,"

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"That Sharingan. How far can you truly see with it?"

"I see you dead like your blond sex-pet,"

Itachi stares at Sasuke as if his brother has grown a second head.

"Excuse me? Do you mean to truly kill me?" he asks in disbelief.

"As in "extinguish your life", yes."

Itachi introduces his face to his palm. Sasuke is a complete _dullard_.

"Silly lil' brother. You assume too much. I didn't mean kill me in the sense of bringing about the destruction of my very being," he tuts sympathetically and shakes his head.

"Well, what else could you have possibly meant?" Sasuke queries; obviously confused.

Itachi heaves a sigh and gazes steadily at Sasuke.

"Why do you think I spared your life on that night?"

"Because you saw my potential to become your rival,"

"Very good. Now what is it that I am best at?"

Sasuke doesn't like where this conversation is heading. Everyone knows what Itachi does best...

"Fucking?"

"Bingo, my love. And _that's_ why I spared you. So you could grow up and "kill" me one day," Itachi chuckles darkly, "My dear Sasuke; you have no brains for innuendo...are you truly an Uchiha?"

"How was I supposed to know what that meant? I was seven years old for fuck's sake! And if you just wanted to fuck; then why tell me to hate you?" Sasuke demands vehemently.

"Yeah, angsty, hate-fueled rape-sex has always been a huge fantasy of mine,"

"Is everything about sex with you?"

"Well, I did literally fuck the whole clan to death. But Kaasan was a freaking beast; I had to do her thirteen times before she finally had that lethal aneurism. And Tousan - "

"Shut the fuck up!" Sasuke struggles with all his might to keep the images away, "Then why did you tell me to achieve Mangekyō ere coming before you?"

"In order for us to mutually abuse the power of the Tsukuyomi,"

"Eh?"

"Seventy-two hours of non-stop sex, Sasuke. _Think _boy,"

"Die, bitch!"

"Oh don't be like that. C'mere and let me surprise buttsex you,"

"Back off, you demented sicko!"

"But Sasuke..."

"CHIDORI NAGASHI!"

.

"You know, I actually am glad to see you back; but if I had to choose, I'd go for Sasuke. Ja na!"

"Noooooo! This isn't the way I wanted to be stabbed by you!" Orochimaru begins to squeal out his disappointment as Itachi seals him.

"Tough titty, said the kitty,"

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Itachi reaches out his hungry hands to his brother. Screwing half-naked Sasuke against the Uchiha crest on the wall equals a hell of a good way to end a battle. Yum.

And to make sure no one else (especially that lollipop-masked bitch) lays a hand on him; he's implanting a little surprise in Sasuke's pretty eyes.

And now to seal a little more than his ocular powers into his kid brother - wait, what the eff?

Why won't his body move? Why is he faceplanting into the wall? No! He can't be _dying_; not _now _goddamnit.

Motherfucking shit, he'd just wanted to fuck his beautiful baby brother senseless; was that so bloody _wrong_? The best boner of his young life; _going to waste! _Д

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Naruto beats his fist against the wall in bitter disappointment.

"I just want some Uchiha ass," he whispers harshly to the pouring rain, "I would have settled for either of them. Goddamnit..."

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"Sweet Jesus, I'm alive. Plot is back. Now where's Deidara at?"

"Why do you ask?" Nagato asks.

"My dead ass is stiff in more ways than one," Itachi replies with a smirk.

"..."

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"Itachiiiiiiiiii!"

"For the last time, Naruto-kun; you are not on my "Bang More Than Once" list!"

"But..."

"No!"

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"Niisan!"

"Sasuke!"

The reunited brothers embrace and make out feverishly in the melting rain.

"We need to fuck..._now_," Sasuke growls aggressively, tugging at his brother's red cloak.

"I'm digging the change in attitude, but we've got bigger turds to sizzle,"

"But Niiiisan, sex in the rain after a fresh kill is one of my biggest fantasies"

A brief, pregnant pause.

"We truly are brothers, Sasuke,"

.

"Niiiiiiisaaaaan!" Sasuke weeps as he grips the important half of Itachi's body after his bissection by Kabumaru, "Niisan. Look what he's done to you; you're beautiful - "

"Sasuke, would you get your face out of my ass. I've already regenerated a new one."

"Niisan?" Sasuke whips around and happily tosses Itachi's former lower half to the damp cave floor.

"Yay, we can still fuck!" he crows at his big brother, burying his face in Itachi's spanking new butt cheeks.

.

"Sasuke,"

"Niisan. I love you, Niisan!"

"I love you more, Sasuke. I'll love you forever..."

Itachi is so happy that he's finally, _finally _boning the person he's worked his whole life to groom and coax to his side. So _what_ if he's the bottom; he's loving all the attention, and let Sasuke do all the work for once. Right now he's just gonna lie there and _bask _in the glow of their intense sex.

In the corner, Kabumaru is still waffling on about his identity crisis. He would be a lot less stressed out if he got laid, but that's just Itachi's opinion. And right now he's too focussed on his gorgeous little brother's taut body on top of him to care. He's plowing _into _him mercilessly. Good grief, where had Sasuke learned how to fuck like this? He shags like a stallion; this is _incredible_.

"If only the fangirls could see us now,"

"Niisan - I'm gonna cum,"

"Me too,"

And so are you, dear reader. Your panties are as saturated from your impending fangasm as they were when you read the end of Chapter 591. Admit it.

Respect it bitches,

Signed, Uchiha Itachi & Sasuke.

_Jejejeh...this was so stupid. What have I done to Itachi? I can't believe it..._


End file.
